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Friday, January 26, 2018

Chemo Day

*Stay Tuned* - Results back from CT scan, receiving chemo right now, and last couple of days have been kinda difficult. I will update you all and let you know where everything stands after getting some MUCH NEEDED rest.

I am hanging in there, folks, still fighting and when I feel a bit stronger and get some sleep I'll bring you all up to speed.

Everyone - thank you for all the prayers and love! I love you back and everything you're doing is making all the difference in the world! Keep it coming, God bless each and every one of you. ❤️❤️❤️ -Jeff

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Jeff's *Sunday Update*


*SUNDAY UPDATE*

And so far, it seems to be ANOTHER good day... Four in a row!

My pain is manageable. My digestive system is working. I am not writhing in pain or overcome with anxiety. I can eat eggs and toast and throw my feet up, watch football all day if I want and spend this day appreciating every moment with my beautiful family.

I have much to be grateful for, and I am. Things are not perfect and I don't expect them to be - so there's absolutely no reason to worry or complain or whine. I won't and I won't listen or tolerate it from others today.

Apparently, I have been given another day of reprieve in this wild storm that has been my life for the past few months.

Friends, family, loved ones, interested bystanders - I cannot explain why things have so dramatically changed in these past several days. And I don't need to. I am simply letting this day happen and enjoying every second of every moment and being happy.

I will NOT be defined by cancer, illness, or any other negative thing that has interfered with my quality of life lately. No way.

This day is another unexpected gift, free from all the madness that has tried and failed to limit my ability to just be alive and happy.

I am #winning. I am grateful. I am ALIVE and actually living and loving. Today I will show up and kick ass and live my destiny with strength and determination.

My journey continues and today is all there really is - and I will not squander it. It's my responsibility to take the next minute and live it like it's the last. I am doing that RIGHT NOW.

Chicago Style hot dogs and all the goodness of poppy seed buns, tomatoes, bright green relish, yellow mustard, sport peppers, Vienna dogs, a decent dill spear and just the right kick of celery salt await me.

I am going to OWN today!!!

Thank you, everyone, I love you all and may Heavenly Father bless your day with just as much goodness and reasons to be happy and alive that I have been given for this day. It is only here once and I will live and love it to its absolute fullest.

I wish the same for you! ❤️😎🔥 --Jeff

Saturday, January 20, 2018

No Pain! *Jeff's Saturday Update*

*Saturday Update*

Mark this moment down right now, this very instant - and listen to what I am saying... this is BIG.

Saturday, January 20th, 2018 @ 1:24 pm

My pain level right now is ZERO.

For the first time in many months, for whatever reason, I am feeling NO PAIN IN MY BODY ANYWHERE.

I don't know how long this will last - minutes, hours, maybe the rest of this day - but folks, I am not feeling any pain at all and I honestly cannot remember when that last happened or what it felt like.

This is an amazing moment and I am sharing it with every single one of you! You are magnificent and I am so grateful to have all of you on this journey with me.

The last few days have been good ones and no matter what may or may not lie ahead for me, I will cherish this moment with happy tears and all the gratitude I can muster!

All of you are INCREDIBLE and AMAZING and I love all of you... thank you, everyone, and let's hope and pray that more of these days are on their way.  ❤️❤️❤️

Friday, January 19, 2018

Jeff's *Update For Today"


*Update For Today*
I woke up. I am alive. I have clothes to wear. I have running water and food to eat. My house isn't fancy, but the mortgage has my name on it. I am safe. The heat is working.
I am surrounded by a beautiful, loving family and an amazing army of friends who have become family and we treat each other as such.
I have been blessed with another day to make the most of and be grateful for all these things - or to waste and whine and complain about the unrealistic expectations of perfection that absolutely NO ONE has.
It really is this simple for me today.
My pain level is manageable and I have the medications I need, along with a world-class team of doctors who do incredible, astounding things every day of their lives.
This morning, with Heavenly Father's blessing and their amazing skill, I awoke to live and enjoy another day on this beautiful, imperfect planet.
This is my day. I will do with it as I please. I have been given that agency to choose and I am just so glad to have SO MANY CHOICES.
Surviving the hell of the past month was not my choice, but it has right now - at this exact instant - given me the ability to so appreciate just how blessed and lucky I am this morning.
Only when you have been in the darkest valley can you appreciate the majesty of the highest mountain top.
I am not consumed or engulfed in the burning agony of pain today. I don't know why or how I survived the crazy events of the last 30 days but I do know how and who to thank and I will do so.
I will rise from those ashes and continue to fight with all and who I am for the rest of this day. And I will be grateful for the chance.
My friends, know that whatever your struggle today, I am there with you in my heart and spirit and I will never, EVER forget your kindness, understanding and compassion.
You are the fabric of healing that has wrapped around my aching, hurting body and nurses me back to health. Your tender mercy and attention has been the game changer in my struggles. Know this. Never forget what you have accomplished in our family's lives.
It's that big and that spectacular.
Now I will seize this day and do whatever it is I am supposed to do, and I will not complain or bitch or whine.
I am grateful and happy to be alive! Thank you, all of you, and may Heavenly Father bless your day with unexpected gifts of joy and goodness.
Savor every moment, all of it. You deserve these things. I love you all. ❤️ --Jeff

Thursday, January 18, 2018

You Are Amazing! Jeff's Health Update

*Today*

Less pain this morning than yesterday - and that's the best start of a morning I've had in WEEKS. 😎

No, everything isn't "perfect" and so what? The trend line is moving up for at least this morning and I am grateful, happy and feeling pretty damned lucky.

Nothing to eat or drink after 8 am, and a Barium radioactive "smoothie" at 10, followed by a CT Scan at 11 am. All the fancy cover-up words they use are humorous and designed for everyone except the folks (me) who have to force it down. Same routine, same stuff. But "smoothie" does sound better than "radioactive sludge", I suppose. 😉

Results from the CT Scan, as usual, won't be available until next week sometime when I meet with my Oncologist to review and make plans.

After everything I've been through this past month, I'm not scared. It is what it is. If all goes "well", then no changes. If necessary, we'll look at other chemotherapy options and deal with that when it gets here.

So - overall, still in pain, but feeling improvement. I am just going to let this day come to me and enjoy and wring every little bit of enjoyment out of it I can find.

I want you to do the same and know that it if I can smile this morning, believe me, so can you!

Just for today, let something go that you have no control over that's been nagging and bothering you. Just appreciate whatever bits of goodness come your way and don't discount or miss out on them. They're precious and rare and gifts for YOU.

Have a great day, people, and THANK YOU for loving me through the worst and best of times. You are MAGNIFICENT and AMAZING and I love you all! ❤️

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Jeff's *Health Update* stent removal


*HEALTH UPDATE*

Ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to announce that the procedure to remove the stent in my left kidney went well and the this month+long nightmare has ended!

I am a little sore here and there - to be expected - but the relief of pain was immediate as soon as that contraption was taken out. Once everything was set up for the procedure (don't ask), the Doc arrived, and it was over IN LESS THAN A MINUTE. I kid you not.

It appears that the distance from my kidney to my bladder wasn't given much thought as the size of the stent itself was, well, horrifying. And that "oversight" was the reason for all of the excruciating pain.

The dang thing was bouncing around inside my kidney on one end and inside my bladder on the other every time I moved, bent over, went to the bathroom, etc. Ouch!

Medical science has come a long way but this particular area of medicine seems to be stuck in the middle ages. Usually these things are in place for DAYS, not WEEKS, and I am so glad it's just over with. For whatever reasons, the pain in my situation was excruciating.

No further issues to worry about with kidney stones and after some healing time of a few days, I should be fine in that area again.

I am just thankful everything went smoothly and my anxiety level is manageable again.

It's over and done with. I will deal with whatever residual pain exists over the next few days but am looking forward to just being able to get back to kicking cancer's butt full-time without this distraction. Yayee! I survived.

Thank you, everyone, for all your prayers and wishes - you have no idea how much it means to have an entire ARMY of beautiful people like yourselves being so kind, gentle and loving as our family fights this thing tooth and nail.

And fight I will! Onward to healing, figuring it all out, trusting Heavenly Father and the most awesome doctors in the world... I am looking forward to being able to just cook meals again, spend quality time with family and friends, and make it through to the end of the month as usual. It's a struggle, yet somehow we always find a way!

Thank you, everyone, I am going to get some much needed rest and spend this day thanking God for the tender mercy he is blessing our family with today. I love you all! Thanks for being on this journey with me - I have the best team EVER! Never, ever give up! ❤️❤️❤️

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

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*Brief Update*
I am keeping it simple today, friends - tomorrow morning this stent in my left kidney and the source of a lot of physical pain is scheduled to be removed. Finally.
No, I'm not looking forward to the procedure. No anesthesia, no nothing, just go in the most obvious way and yank it out. Apparently that's how it's done, so time to bite the bullet and just get this over with.
The doctor says the procedure is fast and will be over quickly. Let's hope so. The way it is placed has been surprisingly painful and that was unexpected. But the kidney stones originally causing a lot of problems have been vaporized and are gone. I'm thankful for that.
Now, just this procedure and I can get back to the full-time job of fighting my cancer and taking care of myself again. FINALLY.
I will post an update for you tomorrow assuming all goes well and I should be feeling better by tomorrow afternoon.
To all the many, beautiful people who have been following this journey with my family and I, we thank God for your efforts and wish the best for you! Your efforts to be so supportive and loving has made all the difference in the world!
We could never have made it this far without you... and we thank Heavenly Father every day for the many prayers and thoughts and well wishes that continue to rain down upon us. You are INCREDIBLE and we love you! ❤️

Friday, January 12, 2018

*Jeff's Brief Update*

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Good morning, all, and God bless each and every one of you for showering me with so much love, grace and kindness these past several days.

I am feeling better - my digestive tract appears to be straightening itself out and while I still am in a lot of physical pain, that issue is hopefully behind me and I am not so overwhelmed.

Your responses to my brutally honest post about the challenges I am facing have filled me with hope and courage. I am not giving up, I am not quitting, I am never going to stop fighting.

The cancer in all the various places in my body is going to do its thing and there is absolutely nothing I can do about that, including the pain that comes with this territory.

But my Heavenly Father is also going to do His thing, and I will have faith and trust in Him. He knows exactly what he is doing. My task for this minute and the one that follows is to surrender what I can't possibly control to Him. 

This morning, another round of chemo and, hopefully, another day of healing and overcoming whatever comes my way. If I continue feeling better, I will post more later today after the chemo and some much needed rest and sleep.

I just can't express in words how much all of you have helped me and how grateful I am to have such beautiful, magnificent people in my life who truly, deeply and honestly love and care about me so much.

Heavenly Father has marshaled His forces and the angels have arrived to tend to my needs. You are all the proof and reason to know that when I surrender these things to Him, tender mercies will abound.

More later when I have finished this day's appointments - and THANK YOU for the precious sacrifices of your time and attention in the face of your own needs and challenges.

Until then, I will follow the inspirational example to be on "The Lord's Errand" and finding my way through these times. 

Whatever this day brings, I am grateful for the opportunity to be here, to be with you, and humbled by your heartfelt wishes, prayers and eternal optimism. You have restored my faith and trust and today, I will be grateful. I love you all. ❤️

 — feeling grateful 

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Jeff's Update

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Friends and family - I've been fairly quiet these past few days. There's been so much going on with my struggle and I'm feeling well enough right now to share a little and keep you in the loop as much as I possibly can. 

I'm going to be totally honest and tell you the last couple of days have been some of the most difficult days of this journey. I've wanted to give up more than once and actually wondered why anyone, including myself, would be subjected to any of this. Yet I am still here and I know there's a purpose - I just don't understand it. I am afraid and confused. 

Most of last night and early this morning was spent in the ER and hospital with probably the worst amount of physical pain I have ever experienced. It seems like every single thing going on in my body - and it's a lot - all converged at one time in so many places in so many different ways that I seriously did not know for sure that I was going to be ok. I'm not sure I remember ever thinking that.

I am home again where I feel safe, but I am afraid to be alone. Tomorrow the routine resumes: see the Oncologist, review my blood levels, and if within the required parameters, chemotherapy again on Friday and more on Saturday and Sunday. Is it still working? I won't know until the next CT scan, sometime shortly after this round. If so, more of the same and that part of this journey will stay the same.

If not, then Plan B which is a different type of chemotherapy and I won't have any idea what that is like until I get there. It is stronger and more powerful, and the side effects are likely to be also. I hope and pray that is not in the cards but like everything else, I simply have no control over it.

This sense of no control, and the physical pain, are the worst things about all of this. Last night it all came together in an overwhelming kind of way that I can't even explain in words. I'm sure there are any number of people who have experienced something similar on their own journeys and I know this because I have met them. And they couldn't explain it any better than the miserable job I'm doing right now.

I could say "unbearable", yet I am still here, so somehow through the grace of God I did bear it. I have absolutely no idea how. It was that bad. And the thought of experiencing that again is more frightening than actually having gone through it. Does that make any sense at all? Probably not. But it's the best I can muster right now and I am still in an enormous amount of pain.

Next week, after I've finished this course of chemo, I am going back to the Urologist and having the stent that was placed in the ureter leading from my kidney to my bladder removed. It was placed there after two large kidney stones were removed but honestly, the stent is as painful as the stones were. I am not looking forward to that procedure because I will be awake and conscious while they remove it, no general anesthesia. Apparently that's how this is typically done, but my God, you can imagine my anxiety. They say it's fast and "relatively" painless. Ok. Seriously?

So that's another thing to worry about, more anxiety on top of everything else. Yesterday's visit to the hospital also included some rather extreme methods of dealing with constipation from the pain medications I need to just function and get around - and I hope and pray I never have to go through that again. I won't go into any details but it involved a variety of things in succession that didn't work and finally resulted in my needing to be sedated and left with yet another bout of pain today that's new and awful. I am literally afraid to go to the bathroom, so add that to the list. That part of my hospital visit was the worst.

Yet I cannot function without pain medication, so that's a catch-22 I will have to discuss with the doctor tomorrow. More pain, more anxiety.

Cancer sucks.

If you've read this far, God bless you. I would never, ever wish any of this on the worst of my enemies, and I can't honestly say I have any right now.

When I remember back to different times in my life when I thought I was struggling, having a bad day, or carrying a grudge against someone I am almost ashamed at how selfish I really was in those moments. I would give anything to trade any one of my current issues for all of those times, every single one of them.

I am not a bad person, I know this, and I've dedicated most all of my adult life to helping others in one capacity or another. Yet like everyone, I have wasted so much time and energy over the most trivial and egocentric nonsense that we all get caught up in from time to time.

What I wouldn't do to go back and have a do-over and get that wasted time and do something productive and loving with it. I guess we all think of that sometimes, don't we? But right now - in the midst of this pain - that just keeps playing over and over in my mind.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me and I made a decision early on in this battle with cancer that I would write about it and share the good and the bad, as honestly as I could. This has helped me, and maybe it has helped some others cope with whatever struggles they are facing in their own lives.

I know this: no amount of worrying is going to change anything. It WILL add additional pain and stress and anxiety. All I can really do at this point is to find those things I actually can change and change them. I have to live in the solutions to problems I can fix and try hard not to be consumed by things I have no control over. That's a tall order for me today, but I am trying my hardest to let God handle what I can't and take care of the things I can.

No matter how difficult this struggle is at the moment, there is one single, solitary truth that stands out. One thing that I know is absolute truth beyond any doubt:

God requires me to do all that I can about any problem or situation first - then He will take over, if I am willing to surrender it to Him.

I do something, then He does something. It just has always worked that way for me, all throughout my life, in every situation. Maybe you've never looked at it that way, and maybe it will or won't be true for you. But for me, and the pain I am enduring right now, it is true. And I am doing my best to let go and surrender because I cannot fix this or ease my suffering.

I am in too much pain to write anymore tonight, but God willing, I will continue to share as I am able. 

No matter what, know that I love you. Know that your kindness and grace to my family has been so meaningful and precious at this worst of times for us. You have made a difference. You are angels and your actions have helped change lives in this and other families. You are amazing and awesome and beautiful. And, you are appreciated beyond words. Know these things and never, ever forget them. This is my testimony today and I wish only that God - as you understand Him, Her, It, whatever - blesses you with joy and a day free of pain.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for just being there and for being YOU. ❤️

Sunday, January 7, 2018

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To my Kathryn: Look at the intangible gifts - 

spiritual, loving and incredibly beautiful - that  

have entered our lives even as this family endures 

the most unimaginable pain and suffering. One 

day, in a way we may or may not want, this pain  

will subside. And no matter the cost or outcome, 

we've been changed forever by His grace, have  

we not?

I will never deserve you and I will never stop 

appreciating the way your wings gently lift and 

carry me. You are my forever angel, honey. I love 

you! --Jeff ❤️🌷 --

----

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Count Your Blessings

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Good Morning! Life is too short to argue, fight and 

"prove" you're right about the stupidest, most 

trivial things. NEWSFLASH: WE'VE ALL GOT 

PROBLEMS. Welcome to reality. Now smile and let 

it be about someone else today... to all my 

friends, 

I love you! 

Jeff

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Jeff Health Update

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*Important Health Update*

I am out of surgery and recovery, and the Doc was able to get both stones out of my kidney! I have another replacement stent to stay in place for a week or so because of the trauma associated with the laser procedure inside my kidney, but the source of all the additional pain is finally gone!

Doc said things went well and I'll head back in a week or so to get the new stent out. The pain is already diminishing and if necessary, I have a danged pharmacy worth of pain meds to deal with anything it might throw at me. I survived the worst of it and can now get back to the business of kicking cancer's butt!
__________

*Edit*: Found out they will be leaving the new stent in until the 17th - yikes. But
, the good news is that everything in my left kidney is all cleaned up and I should have no further issues with that anymore! I am going to focus on the positive side of this thing no matter what! No looking backwards, only forward!❤️
___________

I want to thank all of you for standing by my side through all of the craziness these past few weeks - you are AMAZING and I am so incredibly blessed to have you in my life. I couldn't do it without you!

I just got back home and will post again soon after resting up, taking a nap, and letting all the meds kick in and do their thing. In the meantime, I want to wish all of you a fantastic New Year and pray for your happiness, success, and the best year of your life! You literally rock my world and I LOVE YOU!!!